寶寶小日記：つれづれなるままに．．．

This was the verse that spoke to my heart during my daily devotion/prayer.

這段聖經裡的賢言是我早上在自修時感懷最深的一句。

 

“Count it all joy when you fall into various trials…”

他說: “遇到多種多樣的試煉的時候，抱著喜悅去接納它。”

 

This means that when I have nausea or hard time falling asleep, or when I feel overwhelmingly tired, irritated and frustrated, and yes when I am deadly drowsy, I still have to “count it all joy.” …..Well, did I? Of course NOT!!! I complained it all through. That’s what I did.

換話說就是不管我因為懷孕而噁心，很難入眠，極度疲倦，心情不好，或是經常感覺很睏時，我都要 “抱著喜悅去接那”這一些狀況。我有嗎? 當然沒有啦。我只會始終抱怨而已…。

 

Over the past trials, I always found myself complaining through it all. Oh yeah, when things are smooth and the world is rosy, I can be very angelic and godly. I can be encouraging. I can be supporting. I can be a trooper marching toward the front line of the battle field (if not the first one, at least in the crowd)! But, alas, this seemingly solid and strong courage and faith only last until when I found myself being attacked physically… I see my emotional strength crumbling, my spiritual base being tested, then I found myself on my knees, perturbed, crying in pain, asking God with deep frustration “Why? Why am I so weak…? Why I cannot even get through this with joy? I thought, I thought that I was quite strong in my faith….!”

在過去的數不完次的試煉裡，我經常發現我都會抱怨。對啦，當事情很順利很美好的時候，我可以像天使一樣，可以當一個很虔誠的基督徒。我可以當一個鼓勵者。我可以當一個支持者。我也可以像在前線打戰的勇敢兵士一樣的攻(雖然有可能不是站在最前面的第一個，但至少是在那一群裡面的其中一個…)。但是我這樣看起來很硬很穩的勇氣及信心也只能堅持到我身體沒被打敗的時候。身體被打敗了，接下就是心情上的挫折，到最後都是心靈上的崩碎。站也站不穩，心裡一直動搖，痛而哭，質問神: “為什麼? 為什麼我這麼虛弱? 為什麼我無法把這個試鍊當成是個喜悅? 我以為，我真的以為我的信心是夠的!”

 

I look up, and there is silence. Silence, but not negligence, as if God is looking straight down into my eyes knowing that He would be seeing me like this; as if He didn’t even expect that I would be going through all these joyfully from the beginning. He knew that I would suffer. He knew that I would fail. He knew that I wasn’t strong enough. He knew… He knew everything that I go through…!

我望仰天空，只得到無聲的回應。無聲的回應，而不是無回應。就像神看著我的雙眼而告述我祂從頭就知道我會這樣。好像祂本來就知道我從頭開始就不會把這一些當成是喜悅。祂本來就知道我會痛苦，我會失敗，我不夠堅強。祂知道，祂知道我經歷的所有一切。

 

Knowing that He knew is the greatest comfort. It was me who put so much pressure on my own shoulders. It was me who expected myself to be the “perfect trooper” in trials. But, it seems that God saw me differently from the very beginning. It seems that He didn’t even expect me to march through this battle field without failing. What do I look in the eyes of our Almighty who can do everything….? It is the field so hard for me to comprehend. Maybe, the whole point of this is for me to know my own weakness, thus knowing that He is the only One who could sustain and carry me through this all…?

知道祂知道我所有的一切是很大的安慰。是我自己給自己太多壓力。我以為我自己會是個試煉中的 “完美戰士”。可是，好像神一開始就以別的眼光看待我。祂好像也沒期待我在試煉裡不失敗。在萬能的神的眼裡，我到底是怎麼樣的一個小孩呢? 我還是無法了解這一個領域。或許，這一些試煉是要讓我自己更了解自己的弱點，因此更了解神對我的重要性。

 

Many times I question myself, “Am I a faithful child of God?” I have no confidence in answering “yes” to this question. Yes, I pray. I pray in the morning, before the meals, sometimes in the day, and before I enter my dream world. Yes, I know some, if not all, good verses from the Bible that I can use as my tools to encourage myself and others. Yes, God means everything to me. But, why am I so unconfident in my own very faith in Christ. I feel like when I am tested, I am probably the first one to fail miserably. Why? Because I’m so afraid of “pain” and “hurt” during the trials?

很多次我為我自己，“我是一個很虔誠的基督徒嗎?” 可是我沒自信說我是。我經常禱告。早上起來時，吃飯前，白天時，睡覺前…。對，我也知道幾段聖經裡的賢言，這些賢言有時鼓勵我自己，有時我用來鼓勵別人。對，神對我來說是最重要的存在。可是，我還是對自己的信心沒自信。我覺得當我被挑戰的時候，我因該會跌得很慘。為什麼? 因為我很怕在試煉中會受“痛苦”及被“傷害”嗎?

 

Sometimes I think about tribulation. Paul said that we had to pray that we would escape from the final tribulation on earth meaning that we should be out of here before the tribulation comes. This tribulation is something beyond our understanding and imagination. If you think that the war on TV is cruel, apparently this tribulation thing is way beyond that. It is nothing like what we have ever seen. Then, I wonder… I wonder what if I am still left here during the tribulation. I wonder if I would be able to maintain my Christian faith even if I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tested and stretched to my very limit. Would I still be able to say, “Yes, Christ is my Lord!”

有時候我會想到聖經裡提的 “tribulation”，也就是世界末日時的 “苦難”。保羅也說過，我們要誠心禱告在這個苦難之前我們會得救。因為這個苦難是無法想像以及令人驚嚇的慘況。如果我們看電視報導覺得在世界各地發生的戰爭是很慘的話，這個苦難比那種戰爭更慘。我們在生裡看過的慘事不管多慘多恐怖都不會比這個苦難慘。所以，我就會想，那…，如果，這個苦難來的時候，我還在這裡的話，不管我身體上，心情上以及心靈上被攻擊的時候，我的信心還能堅持到底嗎？我還能勇敢的說: “是的，我是基督徒!”嗎?

 

Many years ago, there happened a school homicide in the United States. I forgot which state or what school. But, apparently it was one of those “hate crimes” in which the criminal hated Christians. He picked a girl and asked her, “Are you a Christian?” This teenage girl, who appears to be just like all other teenage girls, swallowed her fear, and bravely and boldly answered, “Yes, I am.” The next moment, she was shot to death due to her faith in Christ. In China during the Cultural Revolution, two girls were shot by their pastors who were asked to do so by the solders. The girls did not deny their faith even when the gun was pointed at their heads by the pastors. They even prayed that God would forgive this pastor. Then, they were shot to death. Similar stories found in many places all over the world to tell how strong the true Christians are. While I am amazed, impressed and admire their solid unshakable faith wishing that I also have that kind of firm faith in Christ, I cannot hide my sense of fear that I would not be able to maintain my faith if I were them. Would I be able to say yes when the gun is pointing at my scale? Would I be able to say “Yes, I am a Christian” if I know that saying so means death?

很多年前，在美國發生了一件校園命案。我忘了是哪一洲及哪一個學校。可是這好像是個 “hate crime”。那個殺人犯抓了一個小女孩，問她說: “你是不是基督徒?”這個看起來跟其他跟他同年的女孩們沒有什麼特別的小女孩，吞了恐懼，拿出勇氣說: “是，我是。”可是他回答的下一刻，他就無慈悲地被槍殺，結束了他十幾年的短短人生，全部因為她對基督的信心。在文化大革命中的中國也有類似的故事。在這個故事裡，一個牧師被兵人要求槍殺兩個女基督徒，可是這兩個姊妹還是堅持自己的信仰堅持到她們被槍殺的那一刻。她們還為這位被逼槍殺她們的牧師禱告，請神原諒他這麼做。世界各地有很多類似的故事，都是證明真正的基督徒的勇氣及不怕死的信心。當我聽到這一些真實的故事的時候，我很佩服，很崇拜他們的勇敢精神及不敗的信心。但也同時，我不能隱藏自己的不安，不得不問自己: “如果我是他們，我還能堅持我的信心嗎?” 當有人拿槍向著我的後腦，問我說: “你是不是基督徒?” 而我明明知道說“是”就只有死路一條，我還能勇敢地說: “是的，我是基督徒”嗎?

 

We Christian often of the time tend to think obeying God and being Christians only mean “suffering”, “death” or both, and we scare off ourselves. We tremble when we hear these stories. We doubt our own faith or blame the lack of it when we heard somebody was martyred due to their faith in Christ. “What if I were her?” We feel like right at this moment a black shinny heavy gun is pointed at the back of our head ready to be triggered to shoot. “Would I be able to say, ‘yes’?” The scariest part of going through trials for me is probably that I am not told how this story will end and that it may end in great pain beyond that I can bear. In short, I am not fully putting my trust and faith in my Lord.

我們基督徒經常誤解或怕自己會不會因為"順服神"跟"當基督徒”就會“遭難”，”死亡”或“遭難後即死亡”。至少我偶爾會。所以當我聽到這樣的故事的時候，我會嚇鈄。當我聽到有人因為他的信心而被殺的時候，我不得不懷疑自己的信心或責備自己的信心不夠。不得不想: “如果我是他的話….” 就像好像在這一刻，有人拿著槍向著我的後腦一樣的緊張。“我還能說 ‘是’ 嗎?” 我想試煉最怕的地方就是我們根本不知道後果會如何，說不一定會是個我無法忍受的極慘的結局。換話說，就是我沒有完全相信神的能力或是對神的信心不夠就是了。

 

Somebody told me long long time ago that I should not consider obeying God is to suffer through my life. Yes, the Bible does say obeying God at times can cause troubles or separation in family, among friends or wherever we are placed in due to our faith. We can be discriminated, mocked or persecuted because of our faith as well. But, s/he said, “This isn’t the only part of being a Christian. God wants us to believe Him and obey Him so that He can bless us and prosper us.” After all, what kind of a Father would He be if He only allows His children to suffer by saying that they are His? Of course He wants His children to enjoy life, experience great things and prosper. Just like it is said in the Bible:

很久以前有人跟我說過，我不因該想順服神就一定會遭難。沒錯，聖經裡的確有說過因為我們的信心有可能會跟家人，朋友或是周圍的人產生掙扎。我們也有可能因為我們的信仰而被排斥或迫害。但他說: “可是這不是當基督徒的全部。神希望我們相信祂，順服祂，因為祂想祝福我們，讓我們過得很繁榮的人生啊。” 其實也對，就像我們稱祂為“天父”，祂對我們就像我們父親對我們一樣。竟然如此，哪一個父親會希望自己的小孩因為承認自己是祂的小孩或順服祂相信祂而遭難呢? 祂當然希望祂的小孩能享受人生的喜悅，經驗很多很棒的事，以及渡過一場繁榮的人生才對啊。就像聖經裡也有說過:

 

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” [Matthew 6:28-34]

“還有，為什麼妳們在擔心衣服呢? 看看野外的lily (一種花名)的成長。牠們根本沒在勞動。但我告訴妳們，連Solomon在他的最繁榮的時候也沒穿的這麼棒。如果神會把今天在這裡可明天就會被燒滅的野草照顧得這麼好，你們不覺得祂會照顧你們照顧得更好嗎? 唉，你們真是[對神]就只有這麼一點點信心而已嗎? 所以，不要擔心。不要擔心有沒有東西吃，有沒有東西喝，或有沒有衣服可以穿。不信者會擔心這一些，會去追求這一些。可是你們的天父知道你們須要這一些東西的。但是你們要先追求祂的王國，祂的正義，其他東西祂自然就會賜給你們。所以不要擔心明天的事，明天的事，明天再去擔心。因為每一天已經有夠每一天的煩惱了。”

 

So does God take care of us and adore us.

如此，神也很照顧我們，很疼愛我們的。

 

God’s love and grace is so deep and profound that I am still unable to grasp the full measure of it. But, in every single trial, I do taste the sweetness and comfort of His love. I do experience the warm embrace of His grace. Especially when I get trapped or stuck, or when I get lost and have no clue, or even when I fall from my face and am badly injured, He was right next to me to hold me up and carry me through. The smile on His face is glaring to say, “My Child, you try your very best. Daddy is going to be right beside you to support you. It’s ok that you fail. It’s ok that you cry or complain. As long as you trust Me that I am strong enough to carry you through this and that I have the power to deliver you through this, there is nothing that We as a team cannot do.”

神的愛以及grace (不知中文怎麼翻)太深太有濃度，我還是無法完全諒解。但，每一次遇到試煉，我都嚐試過神的愛的甜蜜以及祂給的安慰。就好像舒舒服服被擁抱在祂的grace裡。尤其是當我覺得我好像掉進無法爬出來的穴洞裡，或我覺得我不知道該怎麼辦的時候，或是我失敗，跌得很慘受傷了，祂都一直在我身邊，把我扶起來，背著我走過那一段痛苦的時光。就好像祂臉上帶著閃亮的笑容對我說: “孩子，妳盡妳的力。爸爸會在妳的旁邊支持妳。妳跌倒也沒關係。妳哭，或妳抱怨都沒關係。只要妳相信我，相信我夠強，我有力量可以背妳走過這一段試煉，我們這一組，沒有什麼是不可能的。”

 

Believing God is not to be given a promise of a rosy life although it may happen to be so for some. At the same time, believing God does not mean the end of life or being killed, either, although it may happen to be so to others. We all have different lives and different trials. Some are harder and other easier. Some with lots of gain, some with a complete loss, well at least it appears to be so in our eyes. But, we have to remember, and I have to remember that our reward is not on this earth. Either life or death, our reward is in Heaven.

信神不代表我們就會有“玫瑰人生”，雖然有些人可以過那樣的生活。信神也不代表我們一定會為自己的信仰而死，雖然對某一些人那是他們的真實狀況。我們每一個人都有各各不同的人生及試煉。有些比較難，有些比較容易。在我們人的眼裡，有些試煉讓我們得到許多收穫，可是有些試煉好像不但沒收穫還讓我們完全失去所有。可是我們要記住，我們試煉後的真正的恩典不在這個世上。不管試煉的結果是活還是死，我們的試煉的獎品都在我們走完這一段路的時候，在神的家，祂會親自賜給我們的。

 

Finally, I would like to share some verses from my daily devotion today that may encourage those who are going through trials in life, just like they have encouraged and comforted me this morning…

最後，我想跟各位分享一下我今天早上自修時鼓勵及安慰我的一些聖經裡的賢言。希望這一些賢言也能給現在在苦難中奮鬥的朋友們深深的鼓勵及安慰。

 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” [Romans 8:18]

“跟未來神會給我的榮耀比起，現在我正在經歷的苦難根本不算什麼。”

 

"You have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” [1 Peter 1:6,7]

“你對各樣的試煉感到悲痛。可是比最後會消失的金塊還更珍貴的你真實的信心，雖然被火燒煉後，在耶穌基督出現時，還是那麼值得讚美，榮譽，榮耀。”

 

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” [Psalm 55:22]

“把你的壓力(煩惱，困難等)交給神。祂會扶著你。祂不會讓有正義的人被毀滅。”

 

"As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice. He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me.” [Psalm 55:16-18]

“我會呼喊神，祂會來救我。我會在晚上，早上祈禱，哭喊叫神，祂會聽到我的聲音。祂會對著我衝來的戰爭裡，平安地救我出來。”

 

"You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.” [Psalm 71:20,21]

“讓我經歷過很大又很嚴重的試煉的你，你會讓我從活，從地中最深處帶我出來。你會讓我變得更偉大，你會在每一方面安慰我。”

 

翻譯不好的地方，請多多包含!